I have told you that I was thinking when I was dreaming that "Guru Mahārāja is asking me to come out, and I was going..." Did I say this story? Yes. So I was afraid: "Oh, I have to give up my family. And I become... I have to become sannyāsī? And I have to go behind my Guru Mahārāja? No, no, it is horrible." I was thinking. But he forced me to it. He is so kind that he forced me, somehow or other. That is mercy. I can understand now that how much merciful was my Guru Mahārāja that he forced me to take this life.
In my family life, when I was in the midst of my wife and children, sometimes I was dreaming my spiritual master, that he's calling me, and I was following him
One has to accept the renounced order from another person who is in renounced order. So I never thought that I shall accept this renounced order of life. In my family life, when I was in the midst of my wife and children, sometimes I was dreaming my spiritual master, that he's calling me, and I was following him. When my dream was over, I was thinking. I was little horrified. "Oh, Guru Mahārāja wants me to become sannyāsī. How can I accept sannyāsa?" At that time, I was feeling not very satisfaction that I have to give up my family and have to become a mendicant. At that time, it was a horrible feeling. Sometimes I was thinking, "No, I cannot take sannyāsa." But again I saw the same dream. So in this way I was fortunate. My Guru Mahārāja (Prabhupāda begins to cry, choked voice) pulled me out from this material life. I have not lost anything. He was so kind upon me. I have gained. I left three children, I have got now three hundred children. So I am not loser. This is material conception. We think that we shall be loser by accepting Kṛṣṇa. Nobody is loser. I say from my practical experience. I was thinking that "How can I accept this renounced order of life? I cannot accept so much trouble." So... But I retired from my family life. I was sitting alone in Vṛndāvana, writing books. So this, my Godbrother, he insisted me, "Bhaktivedanta prabhu..." This title was given in my family life. It was offered to me by the Vaiṣṇava society. So he insisted me. Not he insisted me. Practically my spiritual master insisted me through him, that "You accept." Because without accepting the renounced order of life, nobody can become a preacher. So he wanted me to become a preacher. So he forced me through this Godbrother, "You accept." So unwillingly I accepted. And then I remembered that he wanted me to go to the Western country. So I am feeling now very much obliged to my, this Godbrother, that he carried out the wish of my spiritual master and enforced me to accept this sannyāsa order.
Prabhupāda: So recently... I am very pleased to say that our Harikeśa, I ordered him to go immediately to Poland, and he thought that he was being punished. That was... No. I was thinking that "Here is a very very intelligent boy. If he is given chance to preach he'll come out very successful." So I see the glimpses that he has got now post. He's a very good organizer. That's a chance. At that time he might have thought that I was separating him. No. My good will was there that he should be given chance for better opportunity. So I am very much happy that he is doing there very nice. So this should be the attitude. My Guru Mahārāja wanted me to preach in the Western countries, although I was at that time a ordinary manager in a chemical firm. I never thought, but I took it seriously. So from that 1922, in 1965 it was fruitful. How many years?
Prabhupāda: Forty-three years. So it is better late than never. Yes. So he desired me. I thought, "Now I am a family man. Let me adjust things." I would have accepted immediately, but I was not so intelligent at that time. I thought "My responsibility to family is there. Let me wait." But still, Guru Mahārāja was so kind to me that when I was gṛhastha, I was seeing him in dreaming and I was... He asked me, "You come with me." So I was going, and after that, I was thinking, "Oh, I will have to take sannyāsa and go with him?" So it appeared to me very horrible. I was not very much inclined to take sannyāsa, but Guru Mahārāja is so kind that he ultimately forced me to take sannyāsa and do this work. So it is all his kindness. So this is the memory of his kindness.
So forty years ago I remember the same thing as it is in 1922, and still the same thing is going on. There is nothing new. We have nothing to do, new. Simply let us present as it is; it will be successful.
Prabhupāda: So that was in 1922. Then, in 1923, I left Calcutta on business account, and I started my business at Allahabad. But I was always thinking of my Guru Mahārāja, although I was that time not initiated. But the impression was there. I was thinking, "I met a very nice saintly person." So in this way, I passed from 1923 to 1928, I think. Then during Kumbhamelā... (child making noise) Stop that noise he's making. In 1928 my Guru Mahārāja, along with other disciples, came to Allahabad for starting their branch there. So some gentlemen known to me might have told them that "The proprietor of such and such business, Prayāga Pharmacy, he's a very nice gentleman. He can help you in so many ways." So they came to me, and I saw the same saintly persons whom I met 1922. I was very glad to receive. In this way, my connection was more intimate with my Guru Mahārāja. And in 1936, or 1933, I was initiated officially, although I was initiated 1922. But officially, I was initiated in 1933, although from 1922 to 1933 I was always thinking of His Divine Grace Bhaktisiddhānta Sarasvatī Gosvāmī Mahārāja. So in 1936, he was to pass away by 31st December. So I do not know... Out of my own accord, I wrote him one letter that "Guru Mahārāja, you have got many disciples. Some of them are directly serving you. I could not do so. I am a householder. So if you give me some direct service to you, it will be very kind of you." So he replied that letter, that "You try to preach in English language. Then the persons who will be instructed by you and both yourself will be benefited." Again, he said the same thing which he ordered me in 1922 at the first sight. Then there... He passed away 1936, 31st December.
Then there were other Godbrothers. I consulted him that "Guru Mahārāja said like this. What can I do?" So they also encouraged me. I was writing. There was a paper, Harmonist. Then, by their desires, I started this Back to Godhead in 1944. That was also started on his advent day, this advent day. Back to Godhead was started. Yes. There was a meeting, and many friends came, and we first started this Back to Godhead on his advent day, this advent day, 1944. So our paper, Back to Godhead, the advent day is also today. Yes.
Haṁsadūta: Doubly auspicious.
Prabhupāda: Yes. So at that time, there was no sale of Back to Godhead. I was publishing about one thousand copies and distributing. So there was no income. I was spending three hundred, four hundred rupees from my pocket. At that time, I had income. Then, gradually... I wanted to remain as a gṛhastha and preach, but Guru Mahārāja did not like this idea. I could understand. Sometime I was dreaming that he was calling me, and I was horrified that "I'll have to go away from home." (laughter) So at last it happened so that I left my home in 1950 and became a vānaprastha. I was living sometimes here and there. In 1959 I took sannyāsa. But that Back to Godhead was going on. Then there was some inner dictation that "This paper, Back to Godhead, I am publishing, people are taking." Some friend advised me that "Why don't you write some books? That will be nice." So then I began to translate Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam. And because I left home, so practically I had no income. With this Bhāgavatam, er, Back to Godhead, I was selling and I was some way or other maintaining. And whatever little money I had, that was finished.
So I never thought that I will have to take up this matter by his order. Because it is... This incident took place in 1922, more than fifty years. So anyway, so I was officially initiated in 1933, just before three years of his passing away from this mortal world. So at the last moment also, just a fortnight before his passing away, he wrote me the same thing. I wrote him one letter and just he replied the same thing that "You should try to preach this gospel amongst the persons who are conversant in English language. That will be very nice for you." So I was dreaming sometimes that my Guru Mahārāja is calling me and I am leaving my home and going behind him. I was dreaming like that, and I was thinking, "Oh, I have to give up my home? My Guru Mahārāja wants me to give up my home life and take sannyāsa?" So I was thinking, "It is horrible. How can I leave my home?" This is called māyā. Of course, it's a long story, but incidentally I am speaking to you because you are my dear children. So I was thinking that "How can I take sannyāsa and leave my home, my children?" So that was a horrible thought for me, I tell you. I was thinking seriously, "Oh, I will have to take this course. Guru Mahārāja wants me." But actually I did not like to give up my home life. But Guru Mahārāja made me obliged to give up my home life. So now, by his order, or by his plan, I gave up my home life, I gave up a few children, but Guru Mahārāja is so kind that has given me so many nice children.
Conversations and Morning Walks
1973 Conversations and Morning Walks
Brahmānanda: So in Bombay you mentioned that Lilavati Munshi... There was one house...
Brahmānanda: ...and you were trying to get that house...
Prabhupāda: Yes, and she took away.
Brahmānanda: ...and you were prevented.
Prabhupāda: She took away. Because I was trying to organize a League of Devotees from that house, and Kṛṣṇa wanted, "What is this nonsense? You are stick here, in Jhansi? You come here, in open field." That was Kṛṣṇa's intent. But I thought that "Even Kṛṣṇa took away this?" This Lilavati Munshi...
Śyāmasundara: Now her institution is...
Prabhupāda: But my intention was to start this movement.
Prabhupāda: I was simply planning in different way. Therefore Kṛṣṇa's favor. I never deviated from this plan. Since I heard it from my Guru Mahārāja, I've simply planning how to do it successfully. But I thought at that time, that "I'll be able to do it if I get some money. Let me do some business for the time." That I was thinking. But Kṛṣṇa said, "Even if you are pauper, you try; you'll get everything." But I thought, "Without money, how this can be done?" That was difference of opinion with Kṛṣṇa, argument. And I was dreaming also, Guru Mahārāja, asking me, "Come on." So I was going. So I was, "Oh, I have to go? I have to take sannyāsa?"
Śyāmasundara: You, you dreaming?
Prabhupāda: Yes. Guru Mahārāja said, "Come, come with me." I was going. But that... Many things happened before this. Yes. And at last it became, in America.
Śyāmasundara: Did you tell everyone you were leaving, or you simply disappeared?
Prabhupāda: No, I never said. Oh, why shall I? I lost all friends, money, everything.