One has to accept the renounced order from another person who is in renounced order. So I never thought that I shall accept this renounced order of life. In my family life, when I was in the midst of my wife and children, sometimes I was dreaming my spiritual master, that he's calling me, and I was following him.
When my dream was over, I was thinking—I was little horrified—"Oh, Guru Mahārāja wants me to become Sannyāsī. How can I accept Sannyāsa?" At that time, I was feeling not very satisfaction that I have to give up my family and have to become a mendicant. At that time, it was a horrible feeling. Sometime I was thinking, "No, I cannot take Sannyāsa." But again I saw the same dream.
(choked voice) So in this way I was fortunate. My Guru Mahārāja pulled me out from this material life. I have not lost anything. He was so kind upon me. I have gained. I left three children, I have got now three hundred children. So I am not loser. This is material conception. We think that we shall be loser by accepting Kṛṣṇa. Nobody is loser. I say from my practical experience. I was thinking that, "How can I accept this renounced order of life? I cannot accept so much trouble." So . . .
But I retired from my family life. I was sitting alone in Vṛndāvana, writing books. So this, my Godbrother, he insisted me, "Bhaktivedanta prabhu . . ." This title was given in my family life. It was offered to me by the Vaiṣṇava society. So he insisted me. Not he insisted me, practically my spiritual master insisted me through him that, "You accept."
Because without accepting the renounced order of life, nobody can become a preacher. So he wanted me to become a preacher. So he forced me through this Godbrother, "You accept." So unwillingly I accepted. And then I remembered that he wanted me to go to the Western country. So I am feeling now very much obliged to my this Godbrother, that he carried out the wish of my spiritual master and enforced me to accept this sannyāsa order.
So this Godbrother, His Holiness Keśava Mahārāja, is no more. He has entered Kṛṣṇa's abode. So I wish to pass a resolution of bereavement and send them. So . . . and I have composed one verse also in this connection in Sanskrit. So you all present, you sign this. I shall send it tomorrow. The verse I have composed, it is in Sanskrit. Vairāgya-vidyā-nija-bhakti-yogam (CC Madhya 6.254).
This Kṛṣṇa consciousness is vairāgya-vidyā. Vairāgya-vidyā means to become detestful (SW detasteful) to this material world. That is called vairāgya-vidya. And that is possible simply by this bhakti-yoga. Vairāgya-vidyā-nija-bhakti-yogam . . . vairāgya-vidyā-nija-bhakti-yogam apāyayan mām.
So this . . . just like medicine. The child is afraid of taking medicine. That also I have experienced. In my childhood, when I became ill, I was very stubborn. I won't accept any medicine. So my mother used to force medicine within my mouth with a spoon. I was so obstinate. So anyway, similarly, I did not want to accept this sannyāsa order, but this Godbrother forced me, "You must." Apāyayan mām. Apāyayan mām means he forcefully made me to drink this medicine.
Anabhīpsu andham. Why I was unwilling? Anabhīpsu means unwilling. Andham. Andham means one who is blind, who cannot see his future. The spiritual life is the brightest future, but the materialists cannot see to it. You see? But the Vaiṣṇavas, the spiritual master, they forcefully, "You drink this medicine." You see. Apāyayan mām anabhīpsu andhām śrī-keśava-bhakti-prajñāna-nāma.So this my Godbrother, his name is Keśava, Bhaktiprajñāna Keśava. Kṛpāmbudhi. So he did this favor upon me because he was ocean of mercy. So we offer our obeisances to Vaiṣṇava, kṛpāmbudhi. Vāñchā-kalpa-tarubhyaś ca kṛpā-sindhubhya eva ca. The Vaiṣṇavas, the representatives of the Lord, they are so kind. They bring the ocean of mercy for distributing to the suffering humanity. Kṛpāmbudhir yas tam ahaṁ prapadye (CC Madhya 6.254).