You have taken service from Radharani? Ohhh. You have murdered me. We don't want to take any service from Krsna, and He has taken the opportunity, sent us... We want to simply give our service, not any exchange

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Expressions researched:
"You have murdered me"

Lectures

Sri Caitanya-caritamrta Lectures

Sanātana Gosvāmī said, "Oh, I have never seen such beautiful girl. How...?" "Yes, I have also never seen." "Ohhh. Then She must be Rādhārāṇī. She must be Rādhā. You have taken service from Rādhārāṇī? Ohhh. You have murdered me. We don't want to take any service from Kṛṣṇa, and He has taken the opportunity, sent us... We want to simply give our service, not any exchange. Oh, you have done a great mistake. Rādhārāṇī has taken this opportunity." So he began to cry that "We have taken service from Kṛṣṇa. We have given Her trouble." This is pure devotee. They were very sorry that "Kṛṣṇa was troubled to send me all these goods."
Lecture on CC Madhya-lila 20.118-119 -- New York, November 23, 1966:

Our Ginsberg is a devotee of Śiva. Perhaps you know. Anyone who wants this material prosperity, naturally they become the devotee of Śiva. So this is contradictory. "Śiva has no house even, not even a dwelling place, residence. He's a pauper. And worshiping him, one becomes richer. And Kṛṣṇa, Kṛṣṇa is... Sahasra-śata-sambhrama-sevyamānam: 'Always thousands of goddess of fortune is serving Him.' He's such opulent. And so Kṛṣṇa-bhaktas, devotees of Kṛṣṇa, they appear to be poorer. Why?" This question was... Just the opposite.

So the answer was given by Śukadeva Gosvāmī that "This very question was also put to Kṛṣṇa by your grandfather. So instead of answering myself, I'll put that very question and answer between your grandfather and Kṛṣṇa." So what is that? "Now, a similar question was put by your grandfather Mahārāja Yudhiṣṭhira to Kṛṣṇa, and Kṛṣṇa answered like this." What is that? Yasyāham anugṛhṇāmi hariṣye tad-dhanaṁ śanaiḥ: (SB 10.88.8) "If I do somebody some special favor, then My first duty is I become him crushed in all material possessions." You see? Why? "Because to make him more surrendered to Me." When he becomes helpless, he has no other way. "Kṛṣṇa, please take me." When he has something, he thinks, "Oh, these things will protect me, my material possessions." Therefore he does not surrender. Now, Kṛṣṇa sees that "This man, this living entity, is very much devotee, but he wants something, this nonsense. So crush him so that when he'll feel helpless, he will come to Me. No more. So I'll give him all protection." So there is a policy of Kṛṣṇa. Sometimes He puts us into test, whether we are sincerely devotee of Kṛṣṇa. Because we are always after sense gratification, so if Kṛṣṇa is not a order-supplier, then one rejects Kṛṣṇa. We want God, or Kṛṣṇa, to be our order-supplier. So we must order Kṛṣṇa, "Give me this. Give me that. If You cannot give me, then what are You, Kṛṣṇa? I don't want You." This sort of bhakti, or devotional service, is not accepted by Kṛṣṇa.

Just like Mr. Sulye(?), our Godbrother, German, he told me personally that during wartime many German women, some, they prayed into the church to get back their husband, son or brothers, because all went to war and nobody returned. And they become atheist: "Oh, there is no God. We prayed so much to God to get back my husband, to get back my brothers, but they are dead." But the brother was not returned and the husband was not returned. So result was... So if we pray, go to Kṛṣṇa with that purpose, that He should be our order-supplier, then there is no question of Kṛṣṇa-bhakti. We must fully surrender, fully surrender: "Let Him do." Āśliṣya vā. That is taught by Śrī Caitanya: Āśliṣya vā pāda-ratāṁ pinaṣṭu mām marma-hatāṁ karotu vā adarśanāt (CC Antya 20.47). Āśliṣya vā pāda-ratā: "Either You embrace me or You trample me down on Your feet, neglect me, and You make me broken-hearted, and not being present before me all the life..." Āśliṣya vā pāda-ratāṁ pinaṣṭu mām marma-hatāṁ karotu vā. Marma-hatām means "If You make me broken-hearted... I love You so much. I want You, but You never care for me. That's all right. Still You are my worshipable, unconditionally. I don't want any return from You. Still You are my worshipable Deity(?)." This is pure devotion. Kṛṣṇa takes all care. Don't think... Because He says personally, ahaṁ tvāṁ sarva-pāpebhyo mokṣayiṣyāmi (BG 18.66). Why should you be so anxious? But one who is in love with Kṛṣṇa, he wants to see Him, he wants to love Him. But even He does not present Himself before the lover, the lover says, "Oh, still, You are my lovable object, worshipable... Whatever You can do... You are... You are free to treat me as, as You like, but You are my worshipable..." This is pure. So as soon as we come to this stage, that is perfection. That is perfection. Don't expect anything, return.

Now these Gosvāmīs, the Sanātana Gosvāmī... There is a nice story about Sanātana Gosvāmī, of whom we are now studying. Sanātana Gosvāmī and Rūpa Gosvāmī, two brothers, they went to Vṛndāvana for devotional service. So their all business was... Rūpa Gosvāmī, especially, he was always engaged in writing books. And when he was hungry, he went to some householder: "Give me a piece of bread." And everyone at Vṛndāvana... They were leaders. All the Vṛndāvana inhabitants, they took... Even their household quarrels, they used to represent, "Swamijī, this is our position. Please settle up." So whatever decision he would give to the villagers, they will accept. Their court was Swamijī, Rūpa Gosvāmī. So he was so lovable. So one day Rūpa Gosvāmī was thinking that "If I could get some, I mean to say, commodities for cooking, then I would have invited Sanātana Gosvāmī to take some prasādam." He thought like that. And, and after, say, one hour, one young girl came with sufficient quantity of rice, flour, ghee, and vegetables, so many things: "Bābājī..." They were called... They call in the India, especially in Vṛndāvana quarters, they call all these transcendentalist swamis "Bābājī." "Bābājī, please accept these commodities. There is some ceremony at our house. So My mother has sent you all these things." "Oh, very good." He was thinking that "If I could get some commodity and I could prepare something and invite Sanātana Gosvāmī." So the things were there. So Rūpa Gosvāmī inquired, "Where do You live? Oh, You are very nice girl. Where do You live?" "Oh, I live in this village. You do not know?" "No, I have never seen You. All right. Thank You very much." Then She went away. And invited Sanātana Gosvāmī, "My dear brother, please come and take your prasādam here. I have got some food." "All right." So Sanātana Gosvāmī came during prasādam time, and Rūpa Gosvāmī has prepared so many nice dishes. They were also expert in cooking, expert. You know, all devotees, they are expert. That is his qualification. So then Sanātana Gosvāmī was inquiring, "Where did you get all these things, so nice things, you have prepared in this jungle? How did you get?" So he narrated the story, "Yes, in the morning I thought that 'If somebody sends me something...' So by Kṛṣṇa's grace, somebody, a nice girl, a very beautiful girl, and She brought all these things." "Who?" He began to state about the girl's beauty. Then Sanātana Gosvāmī said, "Oh, I have never seen such beautiful girl. How...?" "Yes, I have also never seen." "Ohhh. Then She must be Rādhārāṇī. She must be Rādhā. You have taken service from Rādhārāṇī? Ohhh. You have murdered me. We don't want to take any service from Kṛṣṇa, and He has taken the opportunity, sent us... We want to simply give our service, not any exchange. Oh, you have done a great mistake. Rādhārāṇī has taken this opportunity." So he began to cry that "We have taken service from Kṛṣṇa. We have given Her trouble." This is pure devotee. They were very sorry that "Kṛṣṇa was troubled to send me all these goods."

So this is the process. Kṛṣṇa is also finding always opportunity, "How to serve My pure devotee?" And pure devotee's so clever that he won't accept any service from Kṛṣṇa. Just like the Arjuna, he never said, "Kṛṣṇa, You are God. Why You are putting me to war indirectly? You can give me everything." Kṛṣṇa said, "No." He never said that, Arjuna. Kṛṣṇa said, niyataṁ kuru karma tvaṁ karma jyāyo hy akarmaṇaḥ: "You are kṣatriya. You have to fight." He never said. So we should not take God as order-supplier. That is not devotion. That is mercantile business. Kṛṣṇa is not going to be a lover by mercantile mentality. You are, you must give Him service. Ābhajet tam. This is the process of devotion.